All great civilizations have their great heroes: the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA has Tom Cruise, Australia has Mel Gibson, and Canada has Ryan Gosling. For the Roman Empire this superhuman whirlwind of the incredible was Caligula, the son of Germanicus, Rome's third Emperor, and a Godsend of such blinding magnificence it is hard to fathom. At the beginning of his reign, Caligula was a kind, moderate leader, well-liked by the populace, a fosterer of infrastructure and culture. Then Caligula became gravely ill because of EXCESSIVE BATH-TAKING, and emerged from the sickness as a raving lunatic of the highest order. To list the entirety of his feats seems impossible, but a few of the highlights include and are not limited to:
- Dressing up as Greek Gods and ordering the death of citizens on whim
- Castrating peeps
- TALKING TO THE FULL MOON
- Partaking in day-long, elaborate orgies, sometimes with his sisters
- Turning his then orgified sisters into prostitutes
- Erecting a costly and elaborate FLOATING BRIDGE that he RODE ACROSS ON HIS FAVORITE HORSE to PROVE SOMEONE WRONG
- Later, Caligula MADE THAT HORSE, INCITATUS, A SENATOR
- Once a Senator, the horse would HOST DINNER PARTIES FOR FOREIGN DIGNITARIES IN HIS MARBLE STABLE that featured entertainment by OVER 50 SLAVES
- HIS HORSE, THE SENATOR, HAD FIFTY SLAVES
- HORSE, SENATOR, SLAVES
- IUDFSYDFUHIAOHSUIUSIYDHOU{YIUWEOUDSF
- YES
All great civilizations have their great heroes: the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA has Tom Cruise, Australia has Mel Gibson, and Canada has Ryan Gosling. For the Roman Empire this superhuman whirlwind of the incredible was Caligula, the son of Germanicus, Rome's third Emperor, and a Godsend of such blinding magnificence it is hard to fathom. At the beginning of his reign, Caligula was a kind, moderate leader, well-liked by the populace, a fosterer of infrastructure and culture. Then Caligula became gravely ill because of EXCESSIVE BATH-TAKING, and emerged from the sickness as a raving lunatic of the highest order. To list the entirety of his feats seems impossible, but a few of the highlights include and are not limited to:
1 comment:
It should be noted that McG has accomplished three of those feats, including many many more. Excerpt from No Good Kwalities:
"But know this: Broham 2 looks like Quentin Tarantino (wishing he looked like Matt Damon) and at one time, upon the possibility of an African-American female offering him oral sex, Broham 2 pondered if he should partake in such an activity, because of the thought of never being able to feel the same unbelievable tingling sensation on his privates (for the thirteen-year-old beauties: apparently black girls give great head)."
I think the next poll should be, "Do you believe in reincarnation?"
Boom.
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